What I've Learnt... From A Love You Can't Conceive

My start is not the start and early life my children have had. At around 2 years old I was removed from my drug-addicted parents and placed in a children's home.

 I was adopted and later sent away to boarding school, suffering abuse of various sorts in both instances. 

This is not a hard-luck story. This is a story of the sheer transformative power that comes from having children and the indisputable gift of parenthood. 

I met my beautiful wife whose daughter had just turned 8. The road of step parenting has been rocky at times, to say the least. That could be a story in its own right.... 

She fought me hard but I could see her fears, empathy, and consistency won through. These are things I have learnt are so powerful in parenting.

 I'm touched to say that today this amazing 17-year-old young lady calls me Dad. The lesson here is that the power of just being there is so strong. Presence through the years and containing their emotions and helping them to understand them is something vital. 

On the 1st February 2013 my first child was born. Tears come to my eyes just writing this. We named him Morris. Perhaps, after Johnny Morris the old children's tv presenter? We can never be sure how the name came about?

My wife gave birth to him at home in our bed. I had never experienced such primal power in my life and my admiration and love for her swelled. There were complications towards the end but she was determined, so I was determined for her. 

I did all I could to be steady for her, taking little breaks when I could to pray and meditate in the toilet. These moments were very brief as if I wasn't massaging her or feeding her an endless stream of chocolate, I was in trouble! 

My first born was the happiest day of my life. To have this experience of my own flesh and blood is something I can't begin to explain here. I knew now, so deeply that life had new meaning and that with new life everything had opened up. I was consumed by a love I had not comprehended. 

On the 22nd of September 2015 my second son was born. We named him Ernest. Originally going to be called Ned, we changed it last minute before signing the birth certificate as we felt he was too sombre for Ned (we couldn't have been more wrong!). 

We had another home birth and this time I caught him. I'm welling up again as I recall his warmth and fragility in my hands. 

Incidentally, whilst writing this blog I did a little google search on Johnny Morris and discovered that his full name is Ernest, John Morris. I had no idea. I'm a little freaked out. It's like the spirit of Johnny may have somehow entered us around the time of naming our children. I did play his stories to Morris in utero....

My heart can feel like it's full to capacity with pride and love for my children. Then they show me something new, some new expression or echo of their mother. They dance in some bizarre interpretation of a song, talk sweetly in their sleep, show me a little more of who they are and capture me completely.

 These things and infinity more, incrementally build on the love I have. It is this kind of love that I don't think can be conceived until you have your own children. 

Yes it can be tiring and at times you can be going out of your mind but they are a blessing that defies description. The pure light that emanates from them charges me daily. 

There are a few things that I have learnt are key in this... 

They have a life of pure acceptance. This is unconditional positive regard. I am not over compensating with this for what I lacked growing up but I more than some understand the importance of this is raising children with feelings of healthy self-worth.

 I'm not perfect at this but I strongly believe in complete connection with my children. This involves empathy, putting myself in their tiny shoes and meeting them where they are at. I don't want them to feel alone and not understood. This has worked wonders, especially in regards to helping with tantrums. I can't help but give them a bottomless love and I like to think I have very secure children.

With these things I hope they will be as strong, balanced and happy as they can be. I'm devoted to giving them this parenting but I like to have these things to keep going: 

Daily meditation
Horror films
Date nights 
My counselling course studies (Thursday nights out)
My music
Writing, children's stories or just my journal
Chatting with friends
Walks alone 
And dedication to my business as a gentle parenting consultant 

Harry  (Dad to Laura, Morris and Ernest) x

And the Birth is Just The Beginning...

She didn’t know that the birth was ONLY the beginning.

This picture was taken a couple of hours after Jazz was born at home back in 2008, you can see she’s still just wrapped in an old towel and I look high from all the oxytocin. 

Exhausted, euphoric, shocked and amazed all in the same moment. With no idea what an epic journey was ahead of me.

I found the first few months of Motherhood both blissful and very challenging. I adored my little baby but found her constant demands frazzling. I found my new great big wide emotions frightening. No one had warned me that I’d feel SO MUCH!!! She breastfed every 1-3 hours through the night for about six months, which is perfectly normal but the sleep deprivation made me delirious, paranoid and sometimes furious. I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP.

None of my friends or sister had children then - some of them still don’t, and my Mother was a few hours away. I’m sure it’s the same story for many many other New mothers all across the western world living in bubbles in the City.

But we aren’t designed to mother in isolation. It causes anxiety and depression. NEW MOTHERS NEED MOTHERING. You need a community close by for daily love, reassurance and company. A friend to say that everything IS OKAY... this is the normal rhythm of things, time will pass and everything will settle. Someone to hold you with compassion. 

If you’re expecting your first baby build your community now.

Attend groups and classes and courses and drop ins..... and whatever you enjoy so that you have a solid tribe of women who are sharing the same moment with you.

Surround yourself with Mothers and Mothers To Be in Pregnancy, let your Mother, Sister, Friend come and stay with you when your partner goes back to work.

Don’t be alone. We are meant to do this together.

Let's Stop Writing Birth Plans

Last night I tuned into the #positivebirthhour on twitter, a fabulous forum for birth inspiration and the topic was ‘birth plans’. I got stuck in (in between mouthfuls of noodle soup) with full gusto and found myself debating in the esteemed company of Sheena Byrom (@SagefemmeSB), Milli Hill (@millihill), Tracey Cooper (@drtraceyc) and Shawn Walker (@SisterShawnRM). These are all heroes of mine, and for those of you who aren’t familiar with these women… they are positive birth power houses. Go check them out!

The debate was so engaging for me, that I woke up at 4am this morning, with a blog bubbling around my brain.

So here it is…

As a hypnobirthing teacher and midwife I encourage my clients to be deeply informed, and confidently know their options as they approach their births.

However I don’t encourage ‘birth plans’. And this is why….

The word ‘plan’ has powerful semantic connotations. Once you have a plan, the general intonation is that you should stick with it but what if you don’t? I have walked into many homes, meeting a postnatal mother for the first time, and had her break down in my arms. Why? Because her plan ‘went wrong’, and she felt like a failure. Like her body let her down and she wasn’t good enough.

So I incorporate this experience when I teach my hypnobirthing families.

Now let me be clear. I teach complete positivity, complete faith in the birth process and complete trust in your body. I spend hours releasing reservoirs of deep fear and building immense confidence.

But I am medically trained, scientifically minded and honest with my clients.

I teach what you can control, which is perhaps 75% of you birth or more. There is so very much that you can do, to take control of your birth and ensure that it is empowering and positive. I planned and enjoyed a homebirth with my first daughter, with no hospital bag packed ‘just in case’.

I teach what you can influence by making informed choices about the options available. I teach you to think outside the box and question the options that are presented by your care providers. Yes you CAN decline vaginal examinations, yes you CAN decline inductions of labour, yes you CAN birth out of the guidelines.

I also teach what you can’t control. And give you the confidence to acknowledge and let this go. I go through birth scenarios, so that if a highly unlikely but possible emergency occurs, you are prepared, calm and confident in the face of the storm. And I must be honest, I have had a hypnobirthing client who had a crash emergency section (one which must be performed immediately to save baby’s life). And this is what she said about it

'My mum (ex-midwife, pre-hypnobirthing era) was with Paul and I throughout and she couldn't believe how calm I was during the entire labour...even at the hospital when it became an emergency. I'm so glad I experienced contractions and some of 'labour' - it was the most exciting/spaced-out couple of days ever and I don't recall any pain. Pressure/energy, yes, but it really wasn't pain like I'd expected. Everything you taught was exactly how we experienced it and I couldn't have got through it without your knowledge and techniques. So thank you. Beatrice is a chilled-out easy-going little chick and smiles all day long.'

It’s a fine balance between empowering women and not acknowledging that birth is at times unpredictable.

So let’s stop writing birth plans and start writing fully informed birth preferences. Or plan A and plan B.

5 Tips for Positive Birth

Being a dreamy 25 year old student I went for the stereotypical hippy option, a pain-relief free homebirth on the living room floor. Using hypnobirthing breathing techniques and plenty of youthful naivety I had an incredibly powerful and positive birth experience. It put me on the road to where I am now, somewhat older, slightly wiser and considerably more grounded. What I learned from giving birth is that women are shape-shifting superheroes and are much tougher than we seem! Our bodies completely transform in birth and open up like blooming technicolour flowers.

These days I am a midwife working in a busy South London birth centre and a hypnobirthing teacher. I love my work passionately and feel lucky to have found what feels like a calling, something I never imagined I would find. A large part of my job is preparing parents and especially first time mums for their births. Now if you have had a baby or been with a birthing woman you will have your own take on what birth is, how it feels and what advice you will give to your friends when it’s their turn. From what I’ve seen every woman will have a strikingly individual experience and what would be a heavenly natural homebirth for one can be painful and traumatic for another.

Here are my TOP FIVE TIPS to have a positive birth experience, no matter which way you decide to birth your baby:

1. I’ve noticed that the women who stay active in their pregnancies tend to have easier births and quicker recoveries. This seems pretty obvious - of course if you are fit and healthy your body will work more efficiently. But this isn’t so easy when you are nine weeks pregnant with raging morning sickness that lasts all day and all you want to do is lie on the sofa with your duvet eating malted milk biscuits! When you get to your second trimester and have a little more energy get active again. Walking, swimming, pregnancy yoga and pilates are all fantastic.

2. Stay relaxed. Easier said than done when you have a two year old causing all kinds of crazy in the kitchen cupboards! Especially now that she has just figured out how to climb up and open the ones you didn’t think you would need to child proof. If you already have little people who need your constant attention, relaxation may mean you take ten minutes out at the end of the day to lie down quietly and do some breathing. Or find an obliging chap to give you a good long foot rub. Make time for yourself you deserve it!

3. Many of the women I see are very anxious and fearful about birth and pain. They are often very well informed and have definitely watched plenty of ‘One Born Every Minute’. To a certain extent you can choose what you fill your life up with so immerse yourselves with healthy, happy birth. Watch some beautiful water births on YouTube, talk to your friends who have had good experiences and read anything by Sheila Kitzinger, Ina-May Gaskin or Michel Odent.

4. These days most women will make a birth plan, a long wish list cherry picking all the best bits. I think it’s great to be well informed and know what you want! I have also noticed that from time to time babies don’t read the plan and have ideas of their own. How dare they! I recommend that you also write a ‘birth tweet’ (not that this should be published of course). A tweet has space for only 140 characters which is about two sentences. This enables you to condense down the essence of what is really important to you. This would be mine ‘We want our baby to be born in a calm, peaceful and loving environment’. Give it a go!

5. Can you guess my last top tip? Of course it’s hypnobirth. Having supported hundreds of birthing women and used hypnobirthing myself I know how well it works. Hypnobirthing provides the knowledge and understanding of normal birth, combined with relaxation techniques to keep you calm and in control no matter what happens. I have supported a couple who used hypnobirthing during an elective caesarian, the calmest I have ever attended!

Once you have had a baby you may suddenly realise how epic every woman who has ever gone before you really is. Something that your children may also realise about you when they finally grow up and stop climbing up the kitchen cupboards!