What I learned….. I Hate Motherhood

Now what you’re about to read may well trigger some kind of reaction in you. 

You may find yourself judging my words and condemning me, you may find peace in it as an unexpected recognition of your own thoughts that you’d dare not say out loud for fear of judgment, or you may feel angry at what you may be read as my being ungrateful and undeserving, but, I vowed to always be honest with myself (and others) in a bid to honor my reality, knowing that it is as valid as yours. 

We learn through sharing our stories and we grow in strength by owning them. 

I hate motherhood. 

There, I’ve said it, do what you will with my admission. 

For so many, around 20 years as a mother I lived in conflict. 

I carried burden and guilt and I chastised myself for being an utter bastard for even having the thoughts that I was having around motherhood. 

My thoughts were (often) ‘I hate my life so much’, ‘I feel trapped’, ‘I wish I’d never had kids’, I want/need it all to just stop’, pretty intense and damming thoughts for a mother to have.

The conflict was because although I used to mentally plot to fake my own death in a bid to escape (literally telling myself nobody would notice if I just never came back, that they’d soon get over it if they did) and loving these small humans so much I feared my heart would literally burst and I’d die anyway. 

But in the last fear year or so, after all those years of conflict, I realised that the hatred I have for the role ‘mother’ bore no relevance to how I felt about my kids. 

The two were not intertwined. 

One was a 24/7 ‘job’ that has no wage, no sick days, no holidays, not even a lunch hour. A job where we are on a constant state of high alert, a job where we are responsible for live/s (ours and theirs).  

The other is innocent and beautiful humans who were born to create change in the world, who will bring with them their own learnings and perspective, who evoke feelings in us that we didn’t even know existed, who can make us weep though an excess of loving and weep through exhaustion.  Humans who we’ll learn from, grow with, forever connected. 

Two such extremeness, no wonder I struggled with the conflict. 

But, as I’ve learned to disconnect the two, the guilt has all but diminished, I feel lighter, freer. Motherhood has shifted, I feel one step removed from the drudgery. 

And so I give you permission to do the same. 

If you’re hating on the ‘role’ and beating yourself because you should be feeling #blessed, then know that what you feel about motherhood is of no correlation to how you feel about your kids nor is it a reflection of you are as a mother. 

It’s OK to hate the role but love your kids. 

What I’ve learnt... About My Feminine Power

I graduated as a yoga teacher just a few short weeks before I fell pregnant with my son. I was fresh from the ashram in India and full of the teachings of Shakti…the powerful female energy that resides within all of us. The experience had been transformative, a shedding of unwanted negativity and a boost to my vital life-force energy. I was clear-headed, full of direction and ready to take on a new path in London.

Then boom, I was pregnant! Of course I was elated.  If I’m really honest with myself I went to India to shift things that I felt were hindering me in falling pregnant.  I knew I had work to do.

I experienced strange happenings whilst on my training. I had dreams about the word Shakti, I had dreams of dances connected to this word, I had stirrings in a place in my lower abdomen (my fertility chakra). I didn’t understand it, nor did I know what it meant, it felt kind of weird.  But slowly it unfurled for me and its been a journey that’s taught me so much about myself ever since.

I had a really magical pregnancy with Hari, I also had the home birth I had been dreaming of. I used my yogic breath to birth calmly and without pain relief and I felt like a warrior goddess. I met incredible women on my journey and started to build my community. Then, without notice or warning… I was floored.

I was floored by the fourth trimester, we struggled with feeding issues that nearly sent me to a very dark place. I was exhausted but determined to breastfeed, I was not kind to myself at all. My instinct to nurture Hari was fierce and unyielding but the instinct to nurture myself as I had done before totally vanished.

I felt lost. I disconnected from myself and from others and at times I felt very alone. I had worked so hard at childbirth, I was so proud at myself. But I had so naively forgotten the part when the baby arrives, the struggles that can come, the lack of time for yourself.

After a period of drifting through a haze that still makes me feel emotional and a bit sad, I started to reconnect to my yoga. I practiced with my son on my lap and discovered small techniques that I as a Mama could use to enable me to piece myself back together.

I learnt that I had to work with my body and with my emotional state. I had to reconcile that I was working in a new space and time and that was ok. It was tiny steps and those steps still take place today. I had to be really kind to myself.

As I write this I am navigating my way through early pregnancy with my second child. I am feeling all of the feels! It’s a reflective time, a time where I have to almost force myself to pause and use the tools I know so well to find my power and my center. I still forget at times.

Being a warrior goddess is not just about being strong, it’s about being lost and then coming back. Not just once but most probably on many occasions. It’s about realising that self-care is a real thing, essential for survival.

I also now understand the importance of connectedness, of finding your circle and building your community.  When women come together the magic really happens….that’s the biggest learning that I want to take through this new chapter of motherhood.

What I've Learnt

I’ve learnt that the thing I wanted most in the world is also the thing that challenges me the most whilst simultaneously bringing me huge joy.

During my first pregnancy I was so focussed on becoming a mama and it wasn’t coming easy and so I consumed my whole being with the pursuit of the 2 blue lines. From ovulation sticks, homeopathy, basal temperature monitoring, doctors appointments and googling way too much. I spent a lot of time believing it wouldn’t happen and when I allowed myself to believe I was focussing on the baby stage, it was crinkly bundle that I was visualising holding a baby in my arms not a kid with long limbs, opinions and a highly independent streak.

Mothering a 5 year old has been full of surprises at every turn. Maybe more of a surprise because I had spent so much time longing for a baby and I hadn’t dared to allow my mind to wander past this stage.

Here we are 5 years in and we’re clearly out of the true early years and things are really getting interesting. I’ve learnt that mothering a child means that I learn everyday, with you guessed it, her as my teacher.

The way she can tell you about yourself in one look, the way she is always listening, even when she looks like she isn’t and then will recite something back to you weeks later.

The way she copies you, sits in front of the mirror pretending to do her hair or make-up in the way you do and then says ‘for real’ in the response to a story, just like you do.

Or when you kiss her goodnight and she tells YOU that she ‘loves you to the moon and back’ or says ‘I’m glad I chose you to be my mummy’. Yep heart melts.

The way she holds up a mirror to everything you’ve ever thought about yourself in what you want for her and the way you examine and try to positively change the world in which she will grow-up in.

And yes whilst sometimes it can feel like pressure to get it right and being doing enough. I know there is no perfection. And most of all, that perfect is not what she needs from me, she just needs me to be me.

So as I sit here writing this, I have learnt that I’m stronger than I think, that I am infinitely more powerful than I had ever known and that I’m right where I need to be.

I wonder what the rest of mothering will bring from tween to teenager and beyond. And as my tummy expands with this 2nd pregnancy I have already learnt how different a situation can be, when you have the belief, the knowledge and the tools to trust and surrender.

Ultimately I’ve learnt that the learning never stops and that is the magic.

What I've Learnt... From The First Days Of Being A Mum

The first days of being a mum. 

I gave birth to my first son in 2013 and like most new parents I was excited, nervous, full of wonder! I remember returning home from hospital, my son shrinking down in the car seat and me, not quite knowing what to do. Where were the grown ups? I had given birth, but I didn't quite feel like a mum.

The day after we returned home, members of our families came to visit. They understandably couldn't wait to see & squeeze the new addition. I sat awkwardly on the sofa as my baby was passed around cuddle for cuddle, sniffed, cooed at and showered with love. I felt traumatised. My baby, who I had carried for 9 months, who I had shared every movement, breath and heart beat with for so long, was no longer attached to me. Not only was he not attached to me, we weren't even touching. After a few hours everyone left and we went off to bed. I snuggled him into my chest and cried. He didn't smell the same. It might sound crazy but those first moments of sharing him left me shaken. I felt so raw, open & vulnerable. I wasn't ready to share him, but I didn't feel like I could make the decision not to.

It's a odd place, those first days. You're a parent but somehow it takes a little while to step into the shoes. To feel like it's ok to make decisions for the little life you created. 

I gave birth to my second son just a couple of months ago and I knew from the moment we got pregnant that I wouldn't be ready to share him for at least a week. I needed that time to be with him before anyone else was, and now I'm mum enough to give myself that space. I didn't feel guilty about putting off relatives, or like I was being over protective and thankfully we weren't pressured to open the doors before we were ready. 

There's a lot of pressure in our culture to have guests, to announce births asap and spring back, have visitors & hand baby over for a squeeze, however it isn't the same in all cultures. It used to be traditional in Japan for women to stay inside with their baby for the first 100 days and in Mexico, women have a 40 day period of rest called a cuarentena at home with baby & other female members of family come to support her by taking care of cooking & care for the house.

I learnt from those first days that it's ok to close the curtains and cuddle. To protect your baby bubble & that your needs as a family are the priority. Everything else can wait. It's such a cliche but you don't get those first days back and they are oh so special. So cherish them. 

Motherhood. No Thank You!

I’ve noticed something funny going on in my circle of female friends. These women are powerful and majestic. These women are on inspiring life journeys. These women I love.

These women are really, really, really putting off birthing their babies. And by putting off I mean, there isn’t even a twinkle in their eye! In fact they are actively recoiling away from motherhood. And that’s the thing, it’s not that they are afraid of pregnancy and birth. No. That’s not it at all. They are reluctant to embark on that big, transformational voyage into the unknown. Into Motherhood. Motherhood has become the elephant in the room as the clock ticks through their thirties.

And I’ve been thinking about that lately, about why they want to delay? Why they want to soak up every last minute of decadent childlessness? Why they don’t want to diverge off their own singular path. Why they aren’t ready to give up the capricious freedoms. And I’ve answered my own question in three sentences.

Hmmm. This isn’t going how I had planned…

So what is it that I really want to say to all those magnificent women out there? The ones who think about having children and feel intrepidation. The ones who develop a cold sweat when they come with me to do the school run. You know who you are!!

I want to say this.

Motherhood is like opening up a room in your mind that you never knew was there. Motherhood is like the universe expands. Motherhood is like jumping off a bridge and finding you have wings.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I’d love to hear your biggest, most beautiful surprise about motherhood, please comment below x

5 Tips for Positive Birth

Being a dreamy 25 year old student I went for the stereotypical hippy option, a pain-relief free homebirth on the living room floor. Using hypnobirthing breathing techniques and plenty of youthful naivety I had an incredibly powerful and positive birth experience. It put me on the road to where I am now, somewhat older, slightly wiser and considerably more grounded. What I learned from giving birth is that women are shape-shifting superheroes and are much tougher than we seem! Our bodies completely transform in birth and open up like blooming technicolour flowers.

These days I am a midwife working in a busy South London birth centre and a hypnobirthing teacher. I love my work passionately and feel lucky to have found what feels like a calling, something I never imagined I would find. A large part of my job is preparing parents and especially first time mums for their births. Now if you have had a baby or been with a birthing woman you will have your own take on what birth is, how it feels and what advice you will give to your friends when it’s their turn. From what I’ve seen every woman will have a strikingly individual experience and what would be a heavenly natural homebirth for one can be painful and traumatic for another.

Here are my TOP FIVE TIPS to have a positive birth experience, no matter which way you decide to birth your baby:

1. I’ve noticed that the women who stay active in their pregnancies tend to have easier births and quicker recoveries. This seems pretty obvious - of course if you are fit and healthy your body will work more efficiently. But this isn’t so easy when you are nine weeks pregnant with raging morning sickness that lasts all day and all you want to do is lie on the sofa with your duvet eating malted milk biscuits! When you get to your second trimester and have a little more energy get active again. Walking, swimming, pregnancy yoga and pilates are all fantastic.

2. Stay relaxed. Easier said than done when you have a two year old causing all kinds of crazy in the kitchen cupboards! Especially now that she has just figured out how to climb up and open the ones you didn’t think you would need to child proof. If you already have little people who need your constant attention, relaxation may mean you take ten minutes out at the end of the day to lie down quietly and do some breathing. Or find an obliging chap to give you a good long foot rub. Make time for yourself you deserve it!

3. Many of the women I see are very anxious and fearful about birth and pain. They are often very well informed and have definitely watched plenty of ‘One Born Every Minute’. To a certain extent you can choose what you fill your life up with so immerse yourselves with healthy, happy birth. Watch some beautiful water births on YouTube, talk to your friends who have had good experiences and read anything by Sheila Kitzinger, Ina-May Gaskin or Michel Odent.

4. These days most women will make a birth plan, a long wish list cherry picking all the best bits. I think it’s great to be well informed and know what you want! I have also noticed that from time to time babies don’t read the plan and have ideas of their own. How dare they! I recommend that you also write a ‘birth tweet’ (not that this should be published of course). A tweet has space for only 140 characters which is about two sentences. This enables you to condense down the essence of what is really important to you. This would be mine ‘We want our baby to be born in a calm, peaceful and loving environment’. Give it a go!

5. Can you guess my last top tip? Of course it’s hypnobirth. Having supported hundreds of birthing women and used hypnobirthing myself I know how well it works. Hypnobirthing provides the knowledge and understanding of normal birth, combined with relaxation techniques to keep you calm and in control no matter what happens. I have supported a couple who used hypnobirthing during an elective caesarian, the calmest I have ever attended!

Once you have had a baby you may suddenly realise how epic every woman who has ever gone before you really is. Something that your children may also realise about you when they finally grow up and stop climbing up the kitchen cupboards!