What I’ve learnt... About My Feminine Power

I graduated as a yoga teacher just a few short weeks before I fell pregnant with my son. I was fresh from the ashram in India and full of the teachings of Shakti…the powerful female energy that resides within all of us. The experience had been transformative, a shedding of unwanted negativity and a boost to my vital life-force energy. I was clear-headed, full of direction and ready to take on a new path in London.

Then boom, I was pregnant! Of course I was elated.  If I’m really honest with myself I went to India to shift things that I felt were hindering me in falling pregnant.  I knew I had work to do.

I experienced strange happenings whilst on my training. I had dreams about the word Shakti, I had dreams of dances connected to this word, I had stirrings in a place in my lower abdomen (my fertility chakra). I didn’t understand it, nor did I know what it meant, it felt kind of weird.  But slowly it unfurled for me and its been a journey that’s taught me so much about myself ever since.

I had a really magical pregnancy with Hari, I also had the home birth I had been dreaming of. I used my yogic breath to birth calmly and without pain relief and I felt like a warrior goddess. I met incredible women on my journey and started to build my community. Then, without notice or warning… I was floored.

I was floored by the fourth trimester, we struggled with feeding issues that nearly sent me to a very dark place. I was exhausted but determined to breastfeed, I was not kind to myself at all. My instinct to nurture Hari was fierce and unyielding but the instinct to nurture myself as I had done before totally vanished.

I felt lost. I disconnected from myself and from others and at times I felt very alone. I had worked so hard at childbirth, I was so proud at myself. But I had so naively forgotten the part when the baby arrives, the struggles that can come, the lack of time for yourself.

After a period of drifting through a haze that still makes me feel emotional and a bit sad, I started to reconnect to my yoga. I practiced with my son on my lap and discovered small techniques that I as a Mama could use to enable me to piece myself back together.

I learnt that I had to work with my body and with my emotional state. I had to reconcile that I was working in a new space and time and that was ok. It was tiny steps and those steps still take place today. I had to be really kind to myself.

As I write this I am navigating my way through early pregnancy with my second child. I am feeling all of the feels! It’s a reflective time, a time where I have to almost force myself to pause and use the tools I know so well to find my power and my center. I still forget at times.

Being a warrior goddess is not just about being strong, it’s about being lost and then coming back. Not just once but most probably on many occasions. It’s about realising that self-care is a real thing, essential for survival.

I also now understand the importance of connectedness, of finding your circle and building your community.  When women come together the magic really happens….that’s the biggest learning that I want to take through this new chapter of motherhood.

What I've Learnt... From A Tale of Two Tears

Preparing for the birth of our first child in 2013, I was utterly convinced we had it sussed. I expected to breathe my baby down in my bedroom, upright, giving my tissues time to expand, gravity supporting my open pelvis etc.

I knew if there was a real emergency, I would have an unplanned C-section, but I never considered any outcome in the middle.

When I started bleeding with each surge, 12 hours in, we transferred into hospital during transition. I’d been coping brilliantly, feeling supported, enjoying it even.

When we left for the hospital, all of that changed. I was treated as an inconvenience, a nuisance, a first time mum who had been foolish enough to imagine she could do it at home. 

Unidentified people removed my clothes and cannulated me without discussion or consent. The consultant told me I would need an epidural as the pain would now hit me all in one go- I remember her laughing as she said it, mocking my optimism about managing without one.

For almost 5 hours, I came under the most enormous pressure to get the baby out promptly, despite there being no indication that either of us was struggling medically. I withstood threats of a caesarean, of stirrups, of episiotomy, and in the end, unsupported and exhausted, forced my baby out of my vagina all in one go, after much straining and screaming.

Unsurprisingly, I sustained a 3a tear, which I waited 5 hours to go to theatre to have repaired. There, people spoke about their weekend plans as if I wasn’t there, and dismissed my anxiety about feeling SO cold.

Every instance of pain, every feeling of weakness, every trip to the hospital for the following 6 months, I felt not just the tear, but the trauma of the way I’d been treated. Undermined, disrespect, unnecessarily injuring myself to try and maintain some autonomy over my body.

Fast forward 3 years, to the beautiful home water birth of my second baby. It was the most incredible experience of my life, birthing on my own terms, confidently boundaried, and wonderfully supported by 2 fantastic midwives. They were WITH ME, in every sense.

This enormous baby, with his fist upon his head, emerged slowly and gently from my upright body. And I sustained another 3a tear.

Don’t get me wrong- I’d have loved not to have torn. But I can honestly say, I wasn’t traumatised by it, even upset by it (beyond the inconvenience of going in). Everyone I encountered was compassionate, reassuring, nurturing. 

I had very little pain beyond the initial recovery, and any time it smarted, I felt reminded of my capacity- how powerful I’d felt, how empowered and supported I was to bring the human I’d grown into the world as I chose. 

The way we feel about birth isn’t simply about what happens- on paper, my 2 experiences were broadly the same outcome. We are limitless in both our strength and vulnerability in birth. The way that vulnerability is met carries forward with us into motherhood- can we expect to be belittled, mocked, disregarded? Or respected, held, accepted? 

My experience tells me that our best route to more positive births and confident parenting experiences is to focus on how women want to feel, and how we can achieve that- through realistic education, through advocacy and kindness.

What I've Learnt... From The First Days Of Being A Mum

The first days of being a mum. 

I gave birth to my first son in 2013 and like most new parents I was excited, nervous, full of wonder! I remember returning home from hospital, my son shrinking down in the car seat and me, not quite knowing what to do. Where were the grown ups? I had given birth, but I didn't quite feel like a mum.

The day after we returned home, members of our families came to visit. They understandably couldn't wait to see & squeeze the new addition. I sat awkwardly on the sofa as my baby was passed around cuddle for cuddle, sniffed, cooed at and showered with love. I felt traumatised. My baby, who I had carried for 9 months, who I had shared every movement, breath and heart beat with for so long, was no longer attached to me. Not only was he not attached to me, we weren't even touching. After a few hours everyone left and we went off to bed. I snuggled him into my chest and cried. He didn't smell the same. It might sound crazy but those first moments of sharing him left me shaken. I felt so raw, open & vulnerable. I wasn't ready to share him, but I didn't feel like I could make the decision not to.

It's a odd place, those first days. You're a parent but somehow it takes a little while to step into the shoes. To feel like it's ok to make decisions for the little life you created. 

I gave birth to my second son just a couple of months ago and I knew from the moment we got pregnant that I wouldn't be ready to share him for at least a week. I needed that time to be with him before anyone else was, and now I'm mum enough to give myself that space. I didn't feel guilty about putting off relatives, or like I was being over protective and thankfully we weren't pressured to open the doors before we were ready. 

There's a lot of pressure in our culture to have guests, to announce births asap and spring back, have visitors & hand baby over for a squeeze, however it isn't the same in all cultures. It used to be traditional in Japan for women to stay inside with their baby for the first 100 days and in Mexico, women have a 40 day period of rest called a cuarentena at home with baby & other female members of family come to support her by taking care of cooking & care for the house.

I learnt from those first days that it's ok to close the curtains and cuddle. To protect your baby bubble & that your needs as a family are the priority. Everything else can wait. It's such a cliche but you don't get those first days back and they are oh so special. So cherish them. 

Umming and Ahhing About Booking Hypnobirthing Classes?

Here’s why you should jump in with both feet first!

I have many women who get in contact with me around 36 weeks of pregnancy, when they have finally finished work. I live in London and my ladies are mostly very busy and tired. They haven’t made the mental space and actual time to engage fully with their pregnancy and birth preparation.

When they get in touch I tell them, “it’s never too late to benefit from learning the practical hypnobirthing tools”. And I truly believe that. But there is only so much you can do with two weeks, or two days of practice!

What I don’t say is, that they deserve to put their baby, their new family and themselves FIRST. They deserve to take time out, to take time off. They deserve MORE.

Making time to prepare for your birth says I AM IMPORTANT.

Making time to prepare for your birth says MY BABY IS IMPORTANT.

Making time to prepare for your birth says MY FAMILY IS IMPORTANT.

And having a baby changes EVERYTHING. To keep your family unit together, strong, healthy and happy YOU have to change. You have to start putting yourself first.

If you start putting yourself first during pregnancy, you are forming the habits which will serve your family for life. Take time for a daily stroll. Go to yoga. Read a book, yes a real book! Pay to see an osteopath. Have a pregnancy massage. Slow down.

If you are thinking about hypnobirthing classes, stop thinking and invest in yourself. You and your baby deserve the best start you can get. So don't hesitate and book early!